What Estate Agents Say ......... and What they Actually Mean

This week has seen the much anticipated “launch” of Poppyfields (that were) at Pattiesmuir. With great fanfare (well, two clapping hand emojis) Abbey Forth Sale and Lettings popped a post onto their Facebook page. Reading it through I was reminded of those lists of what estate agents say and what they mean. I am indebted to Jennifer Ebert on the Ideal Home website for some of what follows – the rest are from my own observations.

1.     Estate agents say: Easy access to local shops, public transport and motorway links

        They mean: Wear ear plugs at all times

You may need those ear plugs – the busy A985 is about 160m from the back fence. There will be a lovely view of the traffic from the Juliet balcony in the master bedroom.

2.     Estate agents say: Enclosed rear garden, which is not overlooked

        They mean: This house is on wasteland

Plots 7 and 8 are tacked on to the end the hamlet up a narrow dirt track that has to be made up to adoptable standard before anyone can move in.

The view to the north will be the back of a garage or the rather unattractive and misnamed “White Lodge”. 

The view to the south is the afore mentioned A985, the view to the east across scrubland towards the deceptively named “Hilton Garden City”, the view to the west obstructed by a neighbour’s garden fence.

The brochure says “a stunning family home in an idyllic rural setting” – I beg to differ on so many levels!

3.     Estate agents say: Deceptively spacious

Or in this case “generously proportioned”. A confusing claim: the land was originally planned for a maximum of four properties where there are now to be eight.

I think you can guess how generously proportioned they will be.

4.     “Poppyfields is designed to respect the local conservation area whilst reflecting the rural surroundings”.

However, the houses bear no resemblance to the existing historic cottages. Respect will be difficult to achieve with a ridge height nearly 2m higher and an absence of the conservation areas’ character features. Not to mention that much of the rural surroundings have just been destroyed to clear the ground for this development!

5.      Estate agents say: Realistically priced

         They mean: Astronomically expensive

Well, no, neither phrase appears in the brochure but at £640,000 – someone is having a laugh!

The omissions:

What the brochure doesn’t mention is shared responsibility for:

• The maintenance of the foul sewage treatment plant and the SUDS scheme

• The road should the council choose not to adopt it.

Oh, and there’s no mention of



• The neighbour’s septic tank!